PERSONAL TESTIMONY

By: Rafaela Granado | TV Presenter / Reporter

“I am the mother of only one daughter, so what?”

I have always tried to be respectful and know the limits when speaking or asking women questions about choices and motherhood. Especially when, often, the issue may not even be a choice and may simply be an impossibility of life for the most diverse and, possibly, even painful reasons.

I have a daughter, Maria Pia, who is beautiful, healthy, witty, polite and loving to everyone. She is 9 years old.

The phrases I hear most (guess what!) for exactly 9 years, coming literally out of nowhere, are: “So? When are you going to have your second child?” “But don’t you want to have another child?” “Doesn’t Pia ask for siblings?” “Maria needs a little brother” “Oh, what a shame, not having siblings…” “You are such good parents, you could have more children.” – among many others.

For a long time, I related all this to the fact that people are always DEMANDING. Demanding is part of human nature. If you’re not dating, where’s your boyfriend? If you are dating, when’s the engagement? If you’ve been engaged for a few months, oh why do you have to schedule the wedding! If you’ve been married for a year, aren’t you going to have babies?! If you have your first child, when’s the second?! And so on… Always, always the demand. And what shocks and saddens me the most is that it comes mostly from women to women. The feeling I have is that, for some women, there’s a certain pleasure in demanding something from another woman. I don’t know why, because in my nature, I don’t have that. But lately, and because the topic is recurrent, I’ve really been thinking a lot about the subject. It’s because it’s not just when the second child will come, it’s the whole “only child” concept that makes me uncomfortable, which is why I’ve been reading about it for a long time.

Why would a woman who has more children, numerically speaking, feel superior to another woman in some way? Could it be a way, who knows?, of making up for an inferiority they feel in other areas of their lives and trying to use an invisible medal against the world, like “I have more children, I am better, I deserve a prize, I am more”, because deep down they feel inadequate, in general terms in their lives? Could it be that, because the image they have of themselves is not enough, they try to use this number of children as something that makes them superior to others? Nothing is ever enough. Nothing is enough. And the cycle continues.

Another question I have been asked: “Aren’t you going to give her a little brother to play with?” But what are we talking about? A toy? A little Nenuco for the child to pick up and play with?! Do people have children to give a person, another human being as a “gift” to their first child and so on? I don’t see it that way, I’m sorry. I understand the value of having siblings, just as I see many other siblings in terrible and even toxic relationships.

And no, my only daughter (I love the way many people use the expression “only child” in a derogatory way, imagine that!, when several experts have even come out to condemn the existence of such a concept), has never asked me for siblings, quite the opposite. Which is also completely irrelevant, because a child is not the one who decides anything in this house. Corroborating several empirical and psychological studies that I have read, I can even say that I know several children without siblings who are the opposite of what we commonly consider spoiled or narcissistic people, socially affected or overprotected - characteristics frivolously attributed to boys or girls without siblings. I could even name at least five friends of mine without siblings who are highly generous, capable, altruistic, sociable, excellent company, much more so than people raised with two or three siblings at home. Having or not having siblings does not influence the individual, but rather the upbringing, connection and emotional bonds created during life, with all the people with whom we relate. Furthermore, the various comparisons between siblings can even generate lifelong trauma for many who consistently live in problematic relationships with their parents precisely because of differences in personality and/or even different treatment between siblings.

And that classic situation where a woman introduces another woman like this: “This is my friend Sara, she has three children, you see!, and two of them are twins!” What do you mean?! Is this what defines Sara? If she is a mother and has twins? I am not interested in that information at first. Of course I want to get to know Sara, I love meeting people, getting to know all their facets, and that will certainly be interesting. But never, ever, will that be what defines her.

For a long time, women’s sole mission was to procreate and maintain the home according to the laws of man; up until the beginning of the 20th century, a woman who could not have children could be ostracized and even rejected by the patriarchy. This was just another way, in essence, that the sexist society in which we learned to live and survive controlled women’s will, power of choice and free will. Having just one child, then, my God!, would mean that the woman was fertile but did not want to have any more children – how audacious, how selfish, how absurd! When we often know that the fact that a woman has one child does not mean that she cannot have difficulties or infertility later on.

As a practicing Catholic, I would like to cite some words from our beloved Pope Francis – “Women are not second-class human beings.” “This is a society with a strong masculine attitude. Women are missing. ‘Yes, yes: women are there to wash the dishes, to do…’ No, no: women are there to bring harmony. Women have a lot to say to us in today’s society. Sometimes we are too sexist, and we don’t leave space for women.” From this I conclude that women deserve the same respect, my rights and duties, the same power of choice and analysis of their lives and those around them. Let us all be less sexist, and let us rid ourselves of the prejudices that have been instilled in us since we were little. Let us forgive ourselves for our own weaknesses and let us not always be in comparison mode.

I don't want to offend family members, friends or people close to me who are so dear to me that I know they don't do this kind of "demanding" with malice. I know others do it precisely with malice. I can tell the difference. But I just ask that you think about this. Constant demanding is not FUN.

And going back to one of the initial ideas, no one knows except me, in my deepest being, the reason for my choices or my reality. Respect it. Having more or fewer children does not validate us more or less as people, women, mothers or even wives. Don't be fooled. My greatest medal will always be the quality of the unique, loving, present and indestructible relationship that I build every day with my daughter. Yes, my only and delightful daughter. Who I chose to be the only one. For now. And, in the future, we will soon see what happens. Then, too, we will be ready to welcome, educate, love and accompany. But never to count, compete or, much less, just be a number.

Finally, I say this with love: be happy and empathetic! The world will always be a better place.